Watchmen

“Do that thing you do.” - Laurie Juspeczyk (Jupiter)


I will always prefer to praise art that I enjoy far more than critiquing the labors of people I don’t know and will probably never meet. My fear is that, with blogging and message boards and all the other tools of the internet, it has become a compulsion for some to bash and dismantle other peoples art without ever having to show credentials or give a sense of scale to what they are comparing it to, all the while remaining faceless. That is why I would always choose to do a “top ten” list, or simply write about the films worth seeing. But every once in a while, I am compelled to be a real critic, and pass judgment on something that falls short of the standard film makers and society seek to uphold. And in this case, I will seek to defend another medium that bares the brunt of this failure.

Hopefully, this can set the scales on how to view any positive reviews I write, as this is the total opposite end of the spectrum. Just be warned; at some point, objectivity is going to go out the window, and this review will start to get personal.

Watchmen:

When I have an opportunity to see a great film that is relatively new, I try and let it sink in before truly passing judgment or putting it in its place on any all time lists. Hindsight is 20/20 and the test of time is the ultimate decider. That same rule should go for terrible films as well, so I will attempt to refrain from any severe sound bites, or claiming that this is the worst film that has ever been put to celluloid.

Notice I said “attempt”.

I will be the first to admit that I did not expect to like this film (if you can call it that). I expected to watch it and have a neat visual to go along with the original medium, but to ultimately come away from it with the realization that Alan Moore, Terry Gilliam, Paul Greengrass and Darren Aronofsky were right: The source material is unfilmable. Hell, I knew that when I picked up chapter 1 almost 20 years ago. But in recent history, going in with low expectations has helped me to enjoy several mediocre films more than I probably should have. In this case, any expectation wouldn’t have mattered.

This film is an abomination.

I could write a book on how horrible the make-up and special effects were, but will leave those alone to focus on the real issues.

This film is such a train wreck that it may be a career ender for several people that worked on it. It will, at the very least, be the last film by Director Zack Snyder that I ever pay money to see. He has the visual sensibility of a 10 year old on Ritalin, and manages to coax a terrible performance out of very capable actors. For some of the unknown actors in this film, it will be hard for them to shake such a horrible job from their acting résumés. I for one would find it hard to take Malin Akerman or Matthew Goode serious in any future roles they take, now that I have seen how atrocious they were in Watchmen.

But making a bad film can be forgiven, and that is not where the true crime in all of this lies. The unforgivable transgression is taking something that is so beloved by so many people, and butchering it all the while claiming to stay true to the source material. And even though 1 million extra copies of the trade-paperback have sold in anticipation of the film, the larger audience will be experiencing Watchmen for the first time when they see it on the screen.

Snyder claims that he took on the job of filming Watchmen, because he was afraid of it in the hands of someone that didn’t love the source material. Well, if this is at all true, it surprises me. Because that would mean that he loved the original, without understanding it. Everyone that understands the relevance of Watchmen, and why it is considered amongst the most important pieces in pop culture history, can tell you why it resonates. Two main reasons: The sardonic and satirical take on the idea of superpowers (whether they be a country or a person, either way in Moore’s eyes that equals “bully”), and the brilliant structure that to this day stands as the closest thing to prose in a visual medium (a genius, layered mosaic of panels that is the real core of Watchmen, and the reason why it is impossible to translate to film). The satire of each chapter is as poignant as Gilliam’s Brazil or Kubrick’s Dr. Strangelove, of which there are two forced references to in the film, almost as if only to use for arguments sake. But the narrative structure… the real heart of each chapter… is abandoned completely. It’s no big secret that the weakest aspect of Watchmen was always the plot and its characters. So why make a movie about those things, ultimately watering down the original medium. And another huge mistake – Snyder tries to make the characters in his film edgy and cool. Sure, he gets that they are also damaged and fascist, and ultimately that is what it would take to get someone to put on a costume and beat people near or to death, all in the name of some warped form of justice. But these people are not cool. They are social misfits, and barely likable. And that is what was so revolutionary about them.

Just to establish my geek credibility, I should let you know about my history with Watchmen. When I was 13 years old I picked up issues 1 and 2 of Watchmen on a recommendation from the owner of a local comic shop, just to see if I would like it. After inhaling the first 2 issues, I scrounged together $17.50 (no easy task back then) and bought the trade-paperback which collected the entire story and supplementary material. The impact this made on me at the time is still being processed today. Reading Catcher in the Rye at 15 had a similar, but less profound effect on me. I have always been wildly defensive of this masterpiece, only now I have a reason to be. I can’t imagine what it would be like to read this for the first time today, almost 30, in a world so drastically different from when I first read it. I’ll never know, because every time I pick it up (and it is still fairly often) I am instantly 13 again. For a still-life project when I was 17, I was instructed to gather items that represented me, and I included that tattered, worn out trade-paperback (which at that point, I had only probably read cover to cover, a measly number in the double digits. You read that right). That copy of Watchmen travels with me whenever I pack a bag, and has seen a few countries and oceans in its day. And you’ll notice how I refer to Watchmen as “source material” and “trade-paperback”, as opposed to “Graphic Novel”. That’s because I am old enough to remember that this was never a Graphic Novel, as it came out in chapters. “Anthology” or “comic book” would be more appropriate and less pretentious. Be wary of anyone that calls it a graphic novel, because that alone shows their ignorance. And Alan Moore, the genius recluse whose name has been dragged through the mud lately even though he did his best to distance himself from this horror, owns a small piece of my soul. He also bares the blame for why every film I see or book I read seems watered down and unwilling to take risks by comparison. Poor Alan Moore, I wish I had the strength of will to stay away from this film like you did. But curiosity got the better of me. And for all the people qualifying his attitude towards this film as lunacy; you would be a (so called) paranoid conspiracy nut too, if Hollywood was hell bent on destroying every creative property that you were unable to retain the rights to. Thankfully, they should be about done now, having saved his magnum opus for their big finale.

And that brings me to the positive buzz surrounding this film. Yeah, a lot of people have been giving this film a vague but encouraging review. That is out of fear. It’s the same reason that everybody waited, holding their breath after the film ended, not wanting to clap but at the same time not wanting to boo. Fear that they didn’t “get” it. No one wants to be outside the collective zeitgeist, when it comes to such a pop culture juggernaut. After a small amount of critics started to bad mouth the film, they were met with immediate blowback from the fanboy community. People so defensive of genre films, that they would be quick to attack anyone that points out faults in their beloved subculture. Finally, when the film reached a national release date, critics started showing some spine. Trust me, when the dust settles, this film will be viewed as what it ultimately is: An across the board failure. And everyone that didn’t have the guts to voice their opinions will be shown as the hacks they are. It happened with V for Vendetta, and now it’s happening again.

God, this film is terrible. Everyone involved should hang their heads low, and live with the shame of what they accomplished. I wish this film was never made, because all it does is tarnish something truly unique. It is unfilmable. At worst, you have this monstrosity, and at best, you have a shot for shot visual aid for the original, tapping into that rich mosaic structure. And at that point, why bother? Why encourage or even reward such xenophobia when it comes to comics. The award for reading the original should have been enough for Zack Snyder, but instead he helped destroy the thing he sought to protect in the public consensus. That is the legacy of a 2 year passion project by the director. And, though I will not say anything along the lines of it being the worst film of the decade (I would need to let it sink in for another few months), you can quote me on this little sound bite:

Watchmen the movie is a serial rapist. It raped the source material and it will rape you if you see it in the theater, as well as rob you of your hard earned cash.

I feel dirty, and need to take a shower.


Ryan Black
March 7, 2009

If you want to discuss or get my opinion on any other aspect of this film (No squid, glowing blue full frontal nudity or whatever), please E-mail me or comment on this page. Don’t forget to sign your comments. Thanks.