Life after Cancer

I feel really strange writing this and have avoided doing anything like this for a while. But, I guess this means I’m coping with my life and have accepted that this is my new normal. And a new normal is what I am about to talk about.

A few years ago, through the wonders of the interwebs, I found a fantastic blog post about moving on and re-assimilating back into your life after cancer treatment. It was articulate and it perfectly spelled out everything I was feeling and had been living with during remission. And, the author’s medical experiences were shockingly similar to my own, which made it all the more relatable. After talking with a close family member about his own experience with cancer and finishing his first round of treatment, I went looking for this wonderful post to show him but I came up empty handed. In my research I found hundreds of similar stories and experiences, none of which hit home as much as the original though (probably because, while we all share similar emotional reactions, the variation of our physical and mental changes can be great).

So, Now I’m going to paraphrase and plagiarize the hell out of that post as well as my memory of it serves, using my own experiences to flesh out what many years of painkillers and chemo-brain has lost. Hopefully by the end, you will get a clear picture of what to expect from life after treatment.

The hardest thing about cancer is that life continues to move on, despite this massive burden and change. Don’t get me wrong, fear, sickness and the physical transformation you go through are all very, very rough. But, cancer isn’t the flu. It doesn’t run its course and then you brush yourself off and get back to normal. It is a long battle that, even well after chemotherapy and radiation and surgery and whatever else you go through is seemingly done for the time being, you will never be the same person you were before the diagnosis. In fact, here is some great advice to all the friends and family of anyone fighting this battle – never, ever, ever say something like “It’s over now, right? You can get back to normal?” Salt in the wounds. Finishing treatment and the months, even years that follow can be the scariest part of dealing with this disease.

Finishing treatment should be a day to celebrate. But, what I found in my own experience and what I have heard from countless others is that finishing treatment comes with an overwhelming sense of fear and frustration. One day, you are fighting your disease, fixing the problem, hammering away and being proactive in every way possible to ensure your survival. Until the day you are not. Now, you are just supposed to wait and hope. This goes against every fiber of my being, and now I know I’m not the only one. It gets so deep into your head that recently I went in for a follow-up scan for a new type of cancer and was thinking I would rather have a bad diagnosis that involved treatment than one that is vague and involves waiting and watching and more scans down the road. Like Schrödinger hoping for a dead cat instead of the anticipation and hope that can come from not knowing. I know this is hard to believe for anyone that hasn’t experienced this.

And I am not unsympathetic to the loved ones of the patient in question. I know it is very, very hard and stressful for them as well. One of the things that, while going through treatment, I was hyper aware of is a growing frustration in the people around me because the illness eclipses everything that is going on in their lives and seemed to diminish their own personal struggles. I remember having a long conversation with a good friend where she was telling me about all her stress in school and her recent guy trouble and everything that should have been hugely important to a 21 year old at the time. Then, after a few tears, she clammed up and realized who she was talking to and proceeded to apologize and feel even worse, as though those stresses didn’t count or matter by comparison. But, we all have our battles and it is all relative. One person’s pain and struggles in life do not void out another’s.

Some people will not be able to deal with this. There will be people in your life that won’t even be able to make eye contact with you (personally, I’ll take this over the ones that will stare at you when they think you can’t see them). Some people will not pass the test on your friendship. And, speaking for this side of the table, we know you get sick of it and want things back to normal. Trust us, so do we. But, looking back, that was never on the table to begin with.

Back to life moving on in spite of your cross to bear. I will spare you my thoughts on healthcare and the financial burden that comes with any medical condition. That is an uphill fight against stupid best left for another day. Our lives are amazingly structured from a young age until retirement. Any hiccup or comma that breaks up the steady march forward is crippling. We don’t want to think about that side of treatment, especially when we are in the middle of it and our whole purpose and goal in life is survival. But, when you come out the other end of that sewage tunnel, with no eyebrows, puffy and green tinted, weak and delirious (but breathing), now you have all that normal stress put back on your plate. And, like a heroin addict, the draw of a singular goal and worry, that next fix that is life, is overwhelming. In all the hundreds of articles and personal posts about surviving treatment, this sentiment is always the same. You are abruptly put back amongst the general population and expected to pick up where you left off. But, along with a completely new sense of mortality and priorities, you will also be facing a world that expects the same from you as your neighbor whether it be school, a career or whatever your responsibilities are now that you are “back to normal”. Oh yeah, you will also be doing this while juggling constant doctors’ appointments with your PCP, oncologists, specialists in your particular field of cancer, scans, blood work and follow-ups, probably some therapists along the way, all the while you are attempting to wean yourself off of the drugs and medication that lessened your pain, nausea and anxiety over that last few months and years, not to mention the crippling fear of a relapse or other forms of cancer caused by the treatment. I will say, as rough as my own treatment went, I think the two years after I finished radiation were worse than my one year of treatment. And, looking at the stories so many cancer veterans have shared, I am in the majority. Things did get a little better, but mostly, I just got used to my new life. Other forms of cancer and consequences have popped up and you deal with them. This is your life.

I know this is going to read as a major downer for anyone in the last few stages of treatment, but the point of writing this is simple – Don’t waste your time and energy expecting life to pick up where you were so rudely interrupted. The best you can hope for is a new normal. You may lose some friends in the process but the bonds with those really closest to you will be stronger and you will even make new friends. Life continues to move on. Always be happy and grateful that you are here to see it.

I hope I have conveyed this point in a way that can be helpful to both patients and the people that support them in their fight. Whether I have or not, please look at some of the posts and blogs and articles online that cover the subject. Life after cancer is, thankfully, becoming a constant reality as treatments evolve and survival rates increase.

Thanks as always for reading,

 

Ryan Black

The Ballad of Marty Hart, True Detective

Couple quick thoughts on True Detective after binge watching the first season over the last couple days:

Never mind who the Yellow King is, the villain of the show is Maggie.

It is not a coincidence that Rust calls Lisa “a younger Maggie” and that Beth orders a dirty martini at the bar, immediately getting Marty’s attention (after he failed to recognize her at the T-Mobile store).

Something significant happened in-between Maggie’s flirtation at the bar and her trip to Rust’s apartment.

Both the above sentences are linked and managed to derail Marty and Rust’s investigation.

It is very probable that the links between the conservative religious schools and the rituals is a product of Rust’s myopic bending of the narrative to suit his own agenda and that he is now manipulating Marty. This would mean he is lying about the contents of Billy Lee Tuttle’s safe.

The obvious conclusion is that Marty’s family is deeply involved with the rituals, having been right in front of him the whole time, most likely leading  to Maggie’s father, and that Rust’s blinders involving a bigger conspiracy have been mostly fabricated and bent to affirm his original hypothesis. These two outcomes would make true the two concepts introduced so early in the season, the detective’s curse and bending the narrative to affirm your conclusion.

Which means neither will probably happen and that the show will take a twist that most of us will have no idea was coming.

Great television.

Films of 2013

Gotta keep it real short this year, as other projects have completely dwarfed my precious movie time this year. One of the many reasons I don’t want to go into super detail about each film is that comparing them this year seems even more unjust, as there are so many films I just missed. So, as always, take these reviews with a healthy grain of salt.

Not an exceptional year for film, but in 2013 there were a handful of really good movies. And, as a plus, they seem to be spread out over the whole year as opposed to just all being released in December. And, the three films at the top of my list would be up there in most years, and really were exceptional.

Let’s get started:

　
　

The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug:

A huge improvement over the previous film, and not just because expectations had been lowered so severely. This was the Hobbit I remembered from childhood, and while lighter by many shades, this film still manages to tie in nicely with the Lord of the Rings trilogy. There was still some filler and some clunky, clumsy filmmaking throughout, which continues Jackson’s downward slope from The Fellowship of the Ring, but the material here is strong enough to make this a worthwhile film and to keep me interested and invested in the next one.

 

 

　

American Hustle:

For me, this was easily the most frustrating film of the year. To be fair, it is not the film itself that has been keeping me up nights, but the manufactured Hollywood promotion of it as a great, Oscar worthy movie. And, to add to my frustration, the same machine that is responsible for its Oscar hopes is the definition of what I didn’t like about the film: it is an illusion of greatness. All flash, no substance. Like a sparkly, fast paced, seizure inducing music video that convinces people the song is good when it is really not.

There is plenty good in American Hustle. Jennifer Lawrence is absolutely amazing and completely steals the film in the short amount of time she is on screen. For her performance (and, admittedly, her dialogue) alone, the film is worth seeing. The other actors though are very inconsistent. At first, Christian Bale’s Dinero impersonation was interesting but after 2+ hours was terrible (there was even a horrible, poorly done scene of the actors making eye contact that seemed to be some meta attempt at acknowledging this impersonation or some sort of passing of the torch that was completely ham-handed).

I kept waiting for some sort of twist or reveal in the end of some genius long-con that would have made the story worth my time, but it never came. And in the end, the problem with this film was that the story sucked. It was good to look at, the music and costumes were excellent, but it was a mirage. A silk hat on a pig.

Instead of going to see this film, maybe just pop Casino in the DVD player, because really, it’s the same film without the drugs, violence and drama. And I will take authentic Scorsese any day over a cheap imitation.

 

 

Much Ado About Nothing:

I’m a sucker for Joss Whedon. His particular writing style and sense of humor have appealed to me for a long time and I’ll see just about anything he’s involved with. And while he certainly did not write this film (if I have to acknowledge who did, we have truly failed as a society), he put his stamp on through the comedy, timing and the actors he chose for each role.

This film could have easily veered off into a self-congratulatory, inside-joke filled film that would have been better suited for the film school crowd, but instead it remains a personal film to be enjoyed by everyone. Obviously, the source material is a very relatable story, but what makes this film such an enjoyable experience is the two main actors. Alexis Denisof and Amy Acker are fantastic. They are hilarious from start to finish, have a great chemistry with one another and for the life of me I can’t figure out why both of them are not household names.

　

 

 

Only God Forgives:

I want so badly to love this film. It had me so invested from start to finish, and I was so convinced that it was this slow burning fuse that was going to blow up in some fantastic display of cinematic fireworks, which would cap the visual masterpiece that was the rest of the film.

But it never came. Instead of an explosion, the fuse just smoked and went out. The ending, while fitting in hindsight, was a huge letdown and left me wired from the built up tension in the rest of the film.

I don’t know what would have met my expectation or how I would have ended it differently, but I cannot pretend that I wasn’t hugely let down. Still, see this film if only for the emotional arguments it will insight.

 

 Her:

Very much Charlie Kaufman-esque, Her is a mediation on the growing disconnect and social breakdown in society. We live in a world without Devil’s advocates and surround ourselves with constant affirmation of our own beliefs and our technology is what is fuelling the bonfire.

I went into this film expecting an awkward and uncomfortable comedy, but I was presently surprised at how sweet and sensitive the subject matter was handled. This one is going to need subsequent viewings to completely process, but I enjoyed it very much.

 

 

The Wolf of Wall Street:

Men in their early twenties will want to be Jordan Belfort while men in their thirties and later will hate him with a fiery passion. Because he is the stupid, id controlled, self-important Icarus figure we all regret being. All of us have done something stupid because we thought we were invincible and that the world revolved around us. Then we grew up and learned some hard lessons and wish we could go back and smack some sense into our younger selves. Take that bratty kid you were, give him millions of dollars and seemingly zero consequences for any actions, and what you get is The Wolf of Wall Street.

Funny, topical and emotionally engaging, this is Martin Scorsese flexing his muscles, as well as playing with the cynical humor that has always stayed just under the bubbling surface of his films. If this film had been edited a little tighter and was a half hour shorter, it would be up there with some of his best.

 

 

To the Wonder:

I will see every Terrence Malick film, when it comes out, until I die or he stops making them. His films elevate the entire medium to art. And To the Wonder is undeniably Malick, from start to finish.

I will say though, that it is probably the weakest of his films. Though that is hardly a put down.

Visually without peer, where every single frame is either a gorgeous landscape, an emotional portrait or some abstract play of light. Olga Kurylenko makes you fall in love with her (and has been sorely lacking in awards consideration), and the emotional journey of the characters is a worthwhile trip to take. But, ultimately, the story itself and the twists and turns are just not enough to keep the interests and attentions of anyone that is not a self-professed cinephile. And, if I can bring myself to criticize Malick at all, many have pointed out that this film is so full of his trademark style and camerawork that it borders on self parody, and I can see an argument there. Still, well worth the time if you are a fan of his work or just want to see some beautiful imagery set to wonderful music.

 

 

Gravity:

I loved this movie and was thoroughly entertained. But I am not sure I would call it film as art. It certainly straddles the line. What I mean by that is the story and characters often act and develop simply to further and support the visuals. It becomes an amusement park ride. But it was a fun one and I am glad this movie exists. It sparked an interest in me for reaching far beyond our grasps and a renewed love of space and science. Like a generation of kids who signed up at the local dojo after seeing The Karate Kid, maybe this film will be the catalyst in getting our space program back up and running. Alfonso Cuaron deserves all the praise in the world for getting this film off the ground, pun intended.

 

 

　
Blue Jasmine:

Another fantastic film by Woody Allen, and the first I have really enjoyed in the last decade that was actually set in the United States.

This is a darkly funny film that breaks all sorts of rules. At times it resembles a typical autobiographical biopic (excuse my redundancy, but I don’t know how else to explain this sub genre), where the “protagonist” sings “poor me” for 2 hours. But, you somehow never empathize with Cate Blanchett’s downward spiraling character and instead watch her painful decent with an almost scientific indifference. It is, in my mind, the best performance of the year. It is made that much better by an extremely strong supporting cast and non-stop awkward, situational comedy that hides just how dark this film really is.

 

 

Inside Llewyn Davis:

One of those personal films that you will either love or dismiss based on whether or not you care about the New York folk scene in the early sixties or even know enough to be interested by the myth of the place. And personally, I loved every second of it. The Cohen Brothers really do focus on the lasting ideal of a place and time, as opposed to the historical reality. And their films are better for it.

Inside Llewyn Davis is structured just like a great folk song. It tells you a story of ups and downs, and brings you full circle with a clever and inventive twist, as though it was a cautionary tale by Dylan or Woody Guthrie. It may not be the best film of the year, but it may be my favorite.

 

 

12 Years a Slave:

The best film of the year. This is really an extraordinary film. It is the best ensemble cast I have seen in a long while, it is masterfully filmed by a director that is quickly climbing the short list of best filmmakers working today and it is a heart-wrenching and emotional journey that is at times hard to watch but is undeniable and historically important.

The only criticism I have heard that is worth at all listening to is that it is gruesome and painfully engaging at times. And, while this is true, the sad fact is that the story shy’s away from the ugly reality at times and never takes the bait to make these villains truly and completely evil. And, in a way, that makes it even harder to stomach.

A wonderful and important film. One that we should all see and will hopefully be shown in schools and taught everywhere for years to come.

　




I’ll get around to seeing some more films and maybe adding them onto this list (as well as writing reviews and musings on some of the films I saw but didn’t feel I needed to fit in just now). But that is it for now.

As always, please let me know what you thought about these and other films as the discussion film breads is the best part of the movies.



Almost forgot - Oscar pics.


Best Picture

Should Win: 12 Years a Slave
Will Win: 12 Years a Slave. Gravity could steal it, but my moneys on the frontrunner.


Best Director

Should Win: Steve McQueen, 12 Years a Slave
Will Win: I have a strange feeling Alfonso Cauron will win this one. I can see a lot of people splitting this vote, and with good reason. Gravity is an amazing directorial accomplishment.


Best Actor

Should Win: Chiwetel Ejiofor
Will Win: I am hoping Ejiofor squeeks this one out but the safer bet is on Mathew McConaughy for Dallas Buyers club.


Best Actress

Should Win: Cate Blanchett
Will Win: Cate Blanchett. Even the backlash against Woody Allen shouldn't derail her gold



Supporting Actor

Should Win: Weak category. Jared Leto can have this one
Will Win: Jared Leto


Supporting Actress

Should Win: Either Lupita Nyong'o or Jennifer Lawrence would be great choices
Will Win: I think Lawrence will win this one and American Hustle will be shut out for the rest of the night.


Adapted Screenplay

Should Win: 12 Years a Slave
Will Win: 12 Years a Slave. A lot of people think Wolf of Wall Street should win based on the level of difficulty, but I think this one's a lock.


Original Screenplay

Should Win: Her or Blue Jasmine
Will Win: Her. American Hustle could take this one, but I am hoping it has a rough night.


Cinematography

Should Win: Inside Llewyn Davis.
Will Win: Gravity. No question here.


Editing

Should Win: Gravity
Will Win: Gravity


Original Score

Should Win: Steven Price for Gravity, in by far the weakest showing in the category in recent history. Hans Zimmer again was not eligible for weird Academy reasons.
Will Win: Steven Price for Gravity.


And again, I could go on to Make-up, costumes etc, but those are secondary in my opinion. And I really hate the Animated film category.



Thanks,


Ryan Black
February 28th, 2014