After years of research, involving multiple daily trips to Dunkin Donuts franchises throughout the country (and one in Nassau), I have complied a list of frustrations and faults that have plagued me to the point of madness. But, unfortunately, my addiction leaves me powerless to do anything but write about this frustration, in the hopes that many of you will learn something and hold people to a higher standard of behavior.
There are some basic rules to follow, and some that need in depth explanation. The 3 most obvious ones are:
If you are at a small location, like one that is part of a gas station, and there is only one or two people manning the register, do not order food they will then have to prepare. Go to the larger location two blocks away for that. Most Dunkin Donuts have someone constantly working the ovens and preparing food, and ordering a breakfast sandwich will not hold up the people behind you for 10 extra minutes.
If you are ordering more than $5 worth of anything, then go inside. Leave the drive-thru for the people ordering coffee only, and prevent a ten car pile-up in the process. There should be signs that state this at every location, but people would assuredly play dumb and demand their disgusting breakfast anyway (More on this one later…).
Dunkin Donuts are high traffic spots that encourage constant turn around. Knowing that, pay attention when you are driving in, parking, and when you leave. My destiny in life is to be killed in the parking lot with coffee spilled over my corpse, because some idiot pulled in at 60mph and wasn’t looking. And also, considering the high turnaround, park accordingly. If you think you’re hot shit and park across 3 spaces, your cars gonna catch a beating. The bat in my trunk is there for precisely this purpose.
If you manage to follow these guidelines, you have already successfully avoided many problems and are a step above most people. -- But here is where direction is needed, and etiquette needs to be clearly defined.
Part 1:
The Coworker dilemma
If you have been to Boston or its surrounding suburbs, you know that there is a Dunkin Donuts on roughly every corner. It is not uncommon to have multiple Dunkin Donuts visible from a street-side point of view. But still, during the morning commute, lines build up and people are forced to wait. Jittery, uncomfortable, miserable about the day ahead and most importantly - under caffeinated, these lines can be a disaster if something diverges from the norm. So please, keep it moving people, nothing to see here.
There are some basic rules to follow, and some that need in depth explanation. The 3 most obvious ones are:
If you are at a small location, like one that is part of a gas station, and there is only one or two people manning the register, do not order food they will then have to prepare. Go to the larger location two blocks away for that. Most Dunkin Donuts have someone constantly working the ovens and preparing food, and ordering a breakfast sandwich will not hold up the people behind you for 10 extra minutes.
If you are ordering more than $5 worth of anything, then go inside. Leave the drive-thru for the people ordering coffee only, and prevent a ten car pile-up in the process. There should be signs that state this at every location, but people would assuredly play dumb and demand their disgusting breakfast anyway (More on this one later…).
Dunkin Donuts are high traffic spots that encourage constant turn around. Knowing that, pay attention when you are driving in, parking, and when you leave. My destiny in life is to be killed in the parking lot with coffee spilled over my corpse, because some idiot pulled in at 60mph and wasn’t looking. And also, considering the high turnaround, park accordingly. If you think you’re hot shit and park across 3 spaces, your cars gonna catch a beating. The bat in my trunk is there for precisely this purpose.
If you manage to follow these guidelines, you have already successfully avoided many problems and are a step above most people. -- But here is where direction is needed, and etiquette needs to be clearly defined.
Part 1:
The Coworker dilemma
If you have been to Boston or its surrounding suburbs, you know that there is a Dunkin Donuts on roughly every corner. It is not uncommon to have multiple Dunkin Donuts visible from a street-side point of view. But still, during the morning commute, lines build up and people are forced to wait. Jittery, uncomfortable, miserable about the day ahead and most importantly - under caffeinated, these lines can be a disaster if something diverges from the norm. So please, keep it moving people, nothing to see here.
That said there are several unavoidable problem customers that pop up from time to time. This can end in bloodshed or, if handled correctly, can be dealt with and moved on from with few casualties.
For years, I visited a particular D&D on my way to a job that started at 9:30am. This unorthodox half-hour late start meant that I had to suffer the dreaded Coworker dilemma.
The Coworker Dilemma, or Office Bitch Phenomenon, is when a company delegates the job of getting everyone’s morning coffee and breakfast for them, preventing them from having to go through the regular channels of waiting impatiently with the rest of us. Instead, we are subjected to waiting in a moving line, only to become bottle-necked when some douche orders $125 worth of munchkins, an assortment of breakfast sandwiches and 28 coffees each taken with a different, complicated ratio of cream/milk/soy/Snow-Leopard urine to sugar/splenda/equal/sweet-and-low/crystal meth.
Proper etiquette:
The Coworker Dilemma, or Office Bitch Phenomenon, is when a company delegates the job of getting everyone’s morning coffee and breakfast for them, preventing them from having to go through the regular channels of waiting impatiently with the rest of us. Instead, we are subjected to waiting in a moving line, only to become bottle-necked when some douche orders $125 worth of munchkins, an assortment of breakfast sandwiches and 28 coffees each taken with a different, complicated ratio of cream/milk/soy/Snow-Leopard urine to sugar/splenda/equal/sweet-and-low/crystal meth.
Proper etiquette:
When this occurs, it is the responsibility of the office bitch to realize and take in his/her surroundings. A judgment call will need to be made. First off, knowing that your order is going to slow things down considerably for the people behind you, the proper etiquette is to turn around and ask the person behind you if they are just getting a coffee. If they are, let them go in front of you. If the person behind you is a guy, this is just a common courtesy. If the person behind you is female (this goes double if she is cute) this is mandatory. It is only necessary to do this once, and it can save you a lot of trouble. If he/she behind you is ordering muffins and donuts and whatever else, screw em’, you did your part. Also, if the line is moving at an impossibly slow pace, due to the indifference of the staff, then this etiquette is not your concern and all bets are off.
Failing to do this can often result in sighing, cry’s of “You gotta be kiddin’ me”, stamping feet and sometimes (rarely) having a chair broken over your back by me.
Part 2:
The Rookie
As with any well oiled machine used to moving along at a steady pace, if you throw a wrench in sparks will surely start to fly. Such is the case of the Rookie (here, performing the aforementioned role of “The Wrench”). The Rookie is the guy who doesn’t drink coffee, and is therefore better than the rest of us because he/she has the magical ability not to kill everyone around him if he/she does not have the proper levels of caffeine in his/her system. But every once in a while, one of these elusive creatures will stumble upon a Dunkin Donuts and decide that they would like a donut, bagel twist abomination, fruity coolatta or something else I need never concern myself with. When this happens, this doe-eyed newby often waits patiently, taking in the culture that is so alien to him, until it is his/her turn to order and the record comes to an abrupt, screeching halt. I once even heard such a creature mutter “What’s good today?” to the blank faced girl behind the counter. Listen closely – The person behind the counter knows about 8 words of English, and all of them have to do with variations of coffee. This isn’t McDonald’s or Dairy Queen. Do not wait until you reach the cashier to decide what you want to order. Do not order a soy latte with non-fat whip because you are not at a Starbucks. Do not bother asking what is fresh and just assume everything has been sitting out like that since last Tuesday. In fact, don’t order the food at all and learn to drink coffee like the rest of us you freak.
Proper etiquette:
The only proper solution to this problem is simple. Don’t be that guy. Seriously, that burning you feel on the back of your neck is me shooting daggers from my eyes. Just don’t do it. Being that guy can often result in sighing, cry’s of “Look at this fricken guy”, stamping feet and sometimes having a chair broken over your back by me. There is only one thing worse than a rookie, and that is a pretend rookie.
This brings me to…
Part 3:
The Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer
These are my least favorite people, who I will refer to as Undesirable Number One. This elite club consists of the pretend rookies, who feign ignorance of their surroundings and whose every decision is calculated, but seems to be spontaneous. This often results in attempting to cut several people in line, pretending to not know who is next, shouting orders over people as though it was a crowded bar and overall playing dumb so that people will let you pass because you don’t know any better.
First off, I don’t care if you’re 100 years old, speak only Portuguese or if you’ve had your head down texting for the last 10 minutes, YOU UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF A LINE! You’re Mexican, not Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. Don’t play dumb with me, because I’m on to you. You’re suspect! Yeah you! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen it happen. Maybe a thousand… A line of people is patiently waiting to get their fix (coffee), and someone walks right up to the counter, playing the part of the retard. They “suddenly become aware” of the line of people, and then try to find out were they should stand. Let me give you a hint. Back of the line you worthless @*^&! And don’t pretend that you would have been somewhere in the top 5 if you hadn’t made the mistake. And don’t start asking people standing there if they are in line when it’s f@ck!ng obvious. And, please, if you do ask someone if they are in line and they say yes, do not ask the person in front of them if they are too. This act can and will get you injured.
Proper etiquette:
Proper etiquette:
If you are a bystander in line, then the proper etiquette is to not let the person get away with it. The offender often does get a pass from the people in line, and that is why it happens more and more frequently. It has to stop.
Failure to comply with said etiquette will often result in frustrated grunts of disapproval, and most likely a chair broken over your back by me.
Part 4:
The Dunkin Donuts Racist:
I was, up until my recent moment of clarity, guilty of this charge. I often even drove out of my way to confirm my misinformation.
Let me clarify: I was under the impression that the reason I always got a messed up coffee was 100% the fault of the workers at two separate franchises of Dunkin Donuts. At either of the two locations, if I ordered a large ice-coffee dark with little cream and 2 equal, I would be handed something that looked like a White Russian. ¾ Cream, with a shot of coffee. Gross.
It happened every day. Most days I would send it back, much to the disappointment and resentment of the people behind me in line, and for some reason confusing for the mouth-breather who made the mistake. I was the one holding up the line. I then switched to milk, but still got the same result. The person behind the counter would often ask me to repeat the amount of equals, as thought she didn’t hear me correctly or I had a stutter.
I came to the short sighted and prejudice conclusion that it was because the people working at these locations were almost all Brazilian. I thought, maybe that is how people in Brazil take their coffee.
So I started back-tracking to a Dunkin Donuts on Rt20 in Sudbury, where eager young American kids worked hard pretending to take their job seriously (having been used to the indifference and scorn at the other locations, this was a pleasant surprise). When I ordered my Ice coffee, it came to me exactly as I had hoped. It looked and tasted like coffee, and not some sugary dessert. Whenever possible, I would go out of my way to visit this Dunkin Donuts, and no other.
I had found the answer, even though I was asking the wrong question.
You see, after a while, I started listening to the people in front of me order, searching for violators of the etiquette explained in this rant. And the answer came to me soon after. It is not the people behind the counter; it is the people in front of it. Next time you are in line, listen for yourself. The reason I was so often asked to repeat myself, is that everyone else is ordering their “coffee” with extra cream and extra sugar (or 6 Equals or 10 Sweet & Lows). People have done to coffee what cocktails did to booze. They took the edge off it, and made it into a dairy treat, like a milkshake or ice-cream. They put shots of flavored syrup into it and cover the top with whipped cream. It was different when I went to the one in Sudbury, which is apparently the Mecca of hot young moms whose sole job is to stay in shape and work out while the kids are at school or with their real mother, the Nanny. They were ordering their coffee black, or with a single shot of skim milk, and no sugar.
Interesting…
The more prominent and often visited of the first 2 locations is on Rt9 in Framingham, which is a main artery of commuters. It makes sense that these people would need some sort of treat/pick me up before 8 hours of mind-numbing work trapped in a cubical, apparently hoping for Diabetes to expedite the sweet release of death.
As it turns out, I was the wrench in the machine, being different and slowing things down for the other patrons. But you know what – screw that! Coffee is still coffee and everyone else is disgusting for “drinking” this stuff in the early morning. I put “drinking” in quotes, because, if it comes with a spoon, you’re not really drinking it. It’s basically an ice-cream sundae you’re wolfing down at 8am on a Monday. Which is gross. Man up. And while you’re at it, put down the Cosmo and order a bourbon next time you’re at the bar.
Wuss.
Ryan Black
8/7/2010
